Friday, March 14, 2014

Meandering Mother


Opening Up

I just got an epiphany. I have a bunch of causes I've been longing to advocate for. But I guess doing it anonymously isn't very effective. My book was supposed to be a jumping off point for such things, but honestly once it came out I sort of panicked. Everyone began asking where the ideas came from and how I could write about them so personally. And I didn't want to answer any of that. In fact, there are some people in my life who have asked me never to divulge some of the truths behind my writing. That makes it hard to take a stand for those aforementioned causes. But I've never been the type to back down, so I've become ashamed of myself for doing so when it comes to this stuff - stuff that exists to silence and shame women. So I'm gradually going to come around, step out from behind the shadows of my fiction, and speak more specifically about shit. And my blog is a good place to get that ball rolling. So stay tuned for that, I guess.

Friday, January 24, 2014

Midday Meditation



My children and I have survived another day of me being a mother of two. As a reward (I'm assuming) the universe has them both napping at the exact same time today. So I ignored the dishes, ignored the dog vomit that had mysteriously appeared on the kitchen floor while I was upstairs nursing and reading little ones to sleep, then poured myself a drink, turned on my yoga-meditation app and 15 minutes later realized, after all these years, it isn't my kids I'm tired of by the end of the week - it's me. 

Because there's a relentless, nagging voice in the back of my mind that criticizes every parenting decision I make, tells me I'm a failure for not managing to keep the house spotless, makes me feel like a wimp for needing more sleep, blames me for every tear that drops from my children's eyes, says I'm a bitch for wanting time to meditate or write, gives me a guilt trip for choosing not to have a job right now, questions my motives for putting them to sleep at night, and constantly reminds me it will ultimately be my fault any time they get hurt.

Sure, it's normal for kids to drive their parents crazy but they're here driving me crazy each week because I chose to bring them into this world. So it always seems stupid to me to vent about them even when I'm at a breaking point. But always being so hard on myself is taking a toll on me. And I don't really have any other sort of conclusion to add here. Just that I get tired of myself and this mind of mine and I had to get that off my chest.

Saturday, January 4, 2014

An Accidental Poem

[this was said by my husband when I was nagging him today]

You're mad if I'm asleep
You're mad if I'm awake

You're mad if I'm here
You're mad if I'm not

You're mad when we have sex
You're mad when we don't 

You're mad that I exist
You'll be mad if I don't 

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Disciplinarian

I just promised to cut off
Peter Pan's hands and feet
if my daughter doesn't 
fucking go to sleep. 

Monday, December 9, 2013

Just wrote "see a psy-
chiatrist" on my New Year's
resolutions list